There goes the Fear Again

i hate myself.
i hate my emotions.
i hate because i hurt.
i hate because i hurt other people.
i hate because i hurt people that i care about.
i hate because i hurt people that i care about beause i can not trust.
and i hurt because i refuse to trust and so i push push away and convince myself that they dont love me because of something small they do.
i push because im scared.
im scared to trust.
i cant trust because it hurts to trust and then to be let go.
it hurts to trust and to know that just like yourself, other peoples emotions are transitory and they may not feel the same the next day.
i hurt because nothing is permanent and to know that hurts and it tears and it breaks me.
i hurt because i try to love and realize that i dont and i hurt people.
people hurt me and now im doing the same.
i think i love and then i realize i dont and it sucks.
it sucks because i feel that i do and i open up and i pour some out and i make that person feel secure and loved.
and then i dont feel the same way and i try to secure and love other people.
and that hurts people.
they think i love them romantically and i at one point am convinced that i do to but i am not.
my emotions are transitory. they change too much for my own good.
and i hurt because i hurt people.
because i cant make everyone happy and i try to.
i try to love and be someones security so they know that they are cared about. secure.
i try to love because no one will love me.
i try to love hoping that they will love me back.
And when they do i stop. ive filled my selfish security and i move on.
and i break people i break them down and i break myself.
its my addiction.
i break them and break myself more and neeed more the next time around.
i break others and i break myself.
am selfish and i break because im selfish.
i cant stop.
i need to stop.
i just need to feel safe and secure.
but i cant offer that to anyone and no one can to me.
get over it.
i am selfish and i hate.
i hate myself.
i hate myself because i hurt
i hate myself because i hurt others.
and they dont understand. and they hate me for hurting them.
and their hurt manifests into tears and pain.
and i break. i break to see them break.
and i hate myself.
i hate myself more making them break.
bu i want them to understand and they cant and wont.
i dont even understand.
and i hurt and i hate because im just proving to myself that love cant exist.
because i do it.
because i break people who fall "in love"
i want someone to prove me wrong.
i am self destructive in doing so. but i cant stop.
i dont care i just need the temporary satisfaction.
it is my addiction.
and i need.
and im selfish.
and i hate my self for being selfish but i cant stop.
im learning to stop.
i want someone to prove me wrong to show me that can love one and just ONE
prove me wrong.
please prove me wrong.
before i break completely.
before i break eternally
prove me wrong.