Let the Love Tear Us Apart...

... I've Found the Cure for a Broken Heart, Let it Tear us Apart...

...PILLS...

haha

My Heart is Yours to Fill or Burst...

Im giving it a try. Im giving you a try. Im giving me a try. Im giving us a try. Im giving happiness a try. Im giving disappointment a try.

Im giving love a try.

and i'll try as hard as i can to make you happy. because i want to see and feel your happiness.

I dont want you to feel alone anymore. you're not alone. you have so many people and you have me and i Love you. and i always will. regardless of future outcomes. i will never cease to love you.

I Promise.

Im giving heartbreak a try...

There goes the Fear Again

i hate myself.
i hate my emotions.
i hate because i hurt.
i hate because i hurt other people.
i hate because i hurt people that i care about.
i hate because i hurt people that i care about beause i can not trust.
and i hurt because i refuse to trust and so i push push away and convince myself that they dont love me because of something small they do.
i push because im scared.
im scared to trust.
i cant trust because it hurts to trust and then to be let go.
it hurts to trust and to know that just like yourself, other peoples emotions are transitory and they may not feel the same the next day.
i hurt because nothing is permanent and to know that hurts and it tears and it breaks me.
i hurt because i try to love and realize that i dont and i hurt people.
people hurt me and now im doing the same.
i think i love and then i realize i dont and it sucks.
it sucks because i feel that i do and i open up and i pour some out and i make that person feel secure and loved.
and then i dont feel the same way and i try to secure and love other people.
and that hurts people.
they think i love them romantically and i at one point am convinced that i do to but i am not.
my emotions are transitory. they change too much for my own good.
and i hurt because i hurt people.
because i cant make everyone happy and i try to.
i try to love and be someones security so they know that they are cared about. secure.
i try to love because no one will love me.
i try to love hoping that they will love me back.
And when they do i stop. ive filled my selfish security and i move on.
and i break people i break them down and i break myself.
its my addiction.
i break them and break myself more and neeed more the next time around.
i break others and i break myself.
am selfish and i break because im selfish.
i cant stop.
i need to stop.
i just need to feel safe and secure.
but i cant offer that to anyone and no one can to me.
get over it.
i am selfish and i hate.
i hate myself.
i hate myself because i hurt
i hate myself because i hurt others.
and they dont understand. and they hate me for hurting them.
and their hurt manifests into tears and pain.
and i break. i break to see them break.
and i hate myself.
i hate myself more making them break.
bu i want them to understand and they cant and wont.
i dont even understand.
and i hurt and i hate because im just proving to myself that love cant exist.
because i do it.
because i break people who fall "in love"
i want someone to prove me wrong.
i am self destructive in doing so. but i cant stop.
i dont care i just need the temporary satisfaction.
it is my addiction.
and i need.
and im selfish.
and i hate my self for being selfish but i cant stop.
im learning to stop.
i want someone to prove me wrong to show me that can love one and just ONE
prove me wrong.
please prove me wrong.
before i break completely.
before i break eternally
prove me wrong.

p.s....

when im with him i literally cant be without him. it sucks. like i just need to be around him. and im really happy with that sensation.. damn im reaaly physically attracted to him hahahaha damn damn preeooww preeooow

but heres the thing...when i really am not around him. i dont care for him. he doesnt even come to mind and i dont miss him. just when im with him. but whens hes gone i dont long for him. thats not good. i dont like him. my emotions suck.
i feel like i like someone and then i get over it. i guess its just not that strong of a feeling. it is what it is. just a crush and i try to make it seem like i really like him. but im lying to myself. its just a crush. a crush that i can get over, over night. uhggghh when will i meet someone who really grabs my infatuation.

i also miss maheen...alot . shes stuck in pakistan. fuck who am i gonna share my gossip with??

blsdkfg jdffdgjbd gf wish shit wasnt always stirred up for me

Lets start fresh

sooo i met this really amazing guy.. its ridiculous how much i love his personality. he seems to live in a dream world, and i can say whatever and he goes along with it. hes just amazing. hahaha hes a beautiful man. hes everything i look for. too perfect? no i dont have a set standard of perfection, so no one is perfect but hes someone that is just perfectly suited for my personality, or soo it seems so far. and im taking things slow.
and i think thats good so that we really see who we are. and we dont go in and then give over.

soooo im taking it slow and its good.

im definitely not saying that im going to fall in love, but i have a feeling about him. i hope things turn out ok

New start

im not gonna try and fall in love with people im just gonna go with it. and im into this guy. who seems imperfectly perfect. it makes me smile and i long for any contact with him again.

Dull Life

One mistake in a subtle way
Like I'm walking again, all on me
Step slowly, you know that you fall between
Dark places, what a simple web we weave

We sing the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in
We sing the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in

Know my cell
Know my cell
Well, all hail
the prison queen
Iron bars
Iron heart
Iron bars
Everything

A hundred years old
A hundred years old

Last on the village scene
Fall apart
Iron heart
More alive than you've ever been

We sing the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in
We sing the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in

Well, it's a dull life
It's a dull life
It's a dull life
It's a dark place
It's a dull life
It's a dull life
It's a dull life
It's a dull life

Know my cell

We sing the nightmare of your lies
We sing the nightmare of your lies
We sing the nightmare of your lies
We sing the nightmare of your lies
We sing the nightmare of your lies
We sing the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in
We sing the nightmare of the lies that you speak
The beast that I lie beneath is coming in

Know my cell

Queen of Apology

"

Quick fix and heartbeats, gets me so easily
Now you got me on my knees
This will be the death to me
Tic tac, time goes by, hits me so suddenly
How you knock me off my feet
I'm the Queen of Apologys

Now I'm fighting this feeling
but it never stops, never stops
I'm still waiting
And I'm stuck with this feeling
will it ever stop, ever stop?
I keep trying

I blame no one, but myself
so honestly, is this how it's gonna be?
Tell me, who's the enemy?

Monkey on my back keeps me so desperately
How you got me on my knees
This will be the death to me

So sick of this feeling
but it never stops, never stops
I'm still waiting
And I'm stuck with this feeling
will it ever stop, ever stop?
You see, I'm still shaking
And I'm fighting this feeling

This will be the death to me
I'm the Queen of Apologys

And I'm fighting this feeling
but it never stops, never stops
I'm still waiting
And I'm stuck with this feeling
will it ever stop, ever stop?
I keep trying
And I'm fighting this feeling
And I'm stuck with this feeling
will it ever stop, ever stop?
I keep trying

This will be the death to me
This will be the death to me
I'm the Queen of Apologys"

haha this is seriusoly my song. no doubt about it.

<3>

So Yea Pink Floyd will always sum up my life

this is how i feel:

"If you didn't care what happened to me,
And I didn't care for you,
We would zig zag our way through the boredom and pain
Occasionally glancing up through the rain.
Wondering which of the buggars to blame
And watching for pigs on the wing."

-pigs on the wing (part 1)


And this is how i want to feel:

"You know that I care what happens to you,
And I know that you care for me.
So I don't feel alone,
Or the weight of the stone,
Now that I've found somewhere safe
To bury my bone.
And any fool knows a dog needs a home,
A shelter from pigs on the wing."

- Pigs on The Wing (part 2)








<3

So kiss me hard cause this will be the last time that I let you

im going to miss having someones arms and body envelop me in every comforting, securing way. every start has an end. and im happy that its going to end. distance always seperates good things. but when distance is the only circumstance it means that fate had to have had it this way. but im definately going to miss you. everything about you all the good and all the bad. because the bad wasnt even that bad. no regrets ill miss you.and i do love you.

when i thought i had only dipped my toes in, i realized i was already knee deep.

but its all good. itll all be ok.





<3

You're blind to your own emotions

it sucks because i know that he sincerely wants someone to love. but he knows and i know that its not me. hes just so desperate for that company and security and i see that now. its sad to see him try so hard, but i cant force myself to fall for him. in my opinion love needs to come naturally and unexpected; should never be forced.
His ideals are soo different than mine. And im not going to settle for whatever.
"if we settle for nothing now, we'll settle for nothing later..." -RATM.
our differences would never correlate. im sorry but we're just not meant to be. i think i was trying to fall in love initially but now i realize i cant live life just trying to make other people happy. i have to make myself happy first.



Like Devendra Banhart sang..." the need for peace starts from within..." but even if im not comepletly happy, i would sacrifice anything to make the people i truely love happy.


<3

Love?...

i think im so infatuated with the thought of love that i give in easily.
yea that wont happen again.
we grow and learn everyday. and im growing and my eyes open wider.
..becoming less naive. ew i dont want to be mature haha but in the sense of love...yea i do....

i mean i read older posts, and i was like...what the fuck?

haha how could i think that it was real?
so naive. i need to open my eyes.

but its all good now

3 months to graduate and start differently=)
meet new people


<3

All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom...

im so over the thought of love. i dont love. Im so fucking over it. I swear sometimes he makes me feel like i can really like him. but damn. i opened my eyes wider, and i realize i dont and hes not right. so i was sad but i finally realized fuck this i dont have to do what i dont want to. fuck it if im hurting people, if theyre not worth it then i shouldnt even care. so i realized that and it made me happy. just because i know my best friend and one of the only people i reaaally love and would die for or die without is in my life and will always be. shes there. i dont need a fucked up guy right now. i just need to have fun. wiothout restriction...and he is my restriction. i think thats why ive been soo sad. because i wanted him to alteast pretended like he loved and cared fro me while we were together but he doesnt even do that. so im ovvveess. haha now were still together but im definitely not going to think were attatching. so ill just wait till he breaks up with me. haha because i suck at breaking up with people. then i start to feel bad and it all turns to shit. soo yaa
im in it like whatver and im tired of caring what they think. whatver hahah.

.....time to have fun. =))






<3>

You have stolen my heart

and i didnt want you to. why did you...i really care about you and i do love you and only want to make you happy. no im not in love with you. that isnt real. but i do love you very much. im tired of making you sad but i cant fully trust you or anyone. im sorry.
i love you and i only ask that you handle it with care. you can set down glass without breaking it. i just hope that when the time comes you let me go without breaking me. youve softened me a little and made me a little more fragile. please dont break me...

I NEVER thought I'd say this...

...but miley Cyrus' song is sooooo true. its so juvenile, but that's what my relationship with him was. there was no love not even friendship love, and i thought there was a friendship love. but there wasnt. it was just "like" and it was immature and juvenile. haha but her song "7 things" is literally talking about my relationship. and its weird because I've never been in a relationship like this one.a stupid typical highschool relationship full of stupid highschool relationship drama.ive never had it.haha its a little funny. I tried to end it but shit happened and it made me sad. I dunno what the fuck is going to happen... but life sucks. fuck life man I hate living. its shit.

You can cut ties from all the lies that you've been living in

I don't want it. It sucks. I give in to easily and thats something I dont need to do. I don't feel resentment towards you anymore and I dont feel anything. I want someone that needs me. I need to be needed. And I dont want commitment because I'll just get hurt. I don't want and don't need it. And then sam is really bringing me down. I think I want to get rid of it. I'm sorry I thought I could care for you, but you just make it difficult.you do and say things that show me you dont care. that its just another stupid highschool relationship with no real meaning. and you said it wasnt that. and i just wanted to be genuinely cared for as a friend. but your stuck in your stupid highschool with stupid people. i thought more of you. but youre the same. And so I don't want sam or anyone. I want nothing. I just want to go. i want to be free of ties so i can finally fly.

.

Yeah I have no idea

I don't want love. I don't want anything. It just fucks things up and its always one sided. One always feels more than the other. Fuck that I'm over it. I just want to adventure. Wandering streets meeting new people. Sleeping and dreaming. Best friends. I love that. Hmmm imngoingbto be happier

Sometimes...

... I wish I was dead.

Sleep...

...only happens when im not home.
and when im within the comfort of being around you.
but i was blind to fallacies.lies.a false love that someone promised and never had. false love that everyone promises and never has. a false hope that i fell for and am learning to stand up from. thanks to you.i know i am not in love with you. but i do know that i love you. and i cherish all that you've done for me.

I think I love You...

...But...


...I have no idea what that is...

And You Know...

" i don't want to be you're regret. just wanna be your cocoon..."

you understood.
you understand.
and thats what i needed.
no bullshit.
you dont pretend to love me.
because you dont.
and i love that.
the honesty.
no bullshit.
and thats what im tired of. false hope, and love.
thank you for youre honesty. i cherish that the most. and i long for you. i miss you.

The Past and the Pending

Today, yesterday...i was softened. i was so upset at the far past and dint think i could latch on to the present because it wasn't there like i wanted something to be.
i was wrong.
You were able to re-open my heart and refill its emptied color.
i have no idea if you can crack it open and paint yourself with it. but all i know is you were able to refill it.
Yesterday i let go. let it all escape.
you caught my tears and held me until i i could cry no more.
today you let me know you cared. i will never be more thankful for anything than what you've given me:
HOPE.LOVE.COMFORT